Lessons in Loneliness from The Quran
This article was extracted from Ustadha Sarah Sultan’s course on handling mental health struggles from grief to anxiety, loneliness, and more. It’s called Grounded, and it’s available as free or ‘pay what you can’. You can access the course here
There is a particular kind of loneliness that comes with trying to live by faith.
It shows up at the office party where the drinks are flowing, at the restaurant where half the menu is a question mark, and at the family wedding that looks nothing like what a believer hopes a wedding will be.
Going with the flow would be so much easier. But going with the flow is not necessarily the right thing.
The Many and the Few
Look at how Allah describes most people in the Quran:
وَلَٰكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَعْلَمُونَ
“But most of the people do not know.” [Quran, 7:187]
وَلَٰكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يَشْكُرُونَ
“But most of the people do not show gratitude.” [Quran, 2:243]
وَلَٰكِنَّ أَكْثَرَ النَّاسِ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ
“But most of the people do not believe.” [Quran, 13:1]
Now look at how He describes the few:
وَقَلِيلٌ مِّنْ عِبَادِيَ الشَّكُورُ
“And few of My servants are grateful.” [Quran, 34:13]
The Prophet ﷺ said, “Islam began as something strange, and it will return to being strange as it began, so glad tidings to the strangers” (narrated by Abu Hurayrah رضي الله عنه, Sahih Muslim).
So being a stranger is not such a bad thing after all.
It means being counted among the few. Holding on to an unpopular belief is okay, as long as it is the right path, the one most pleasing to Allah.
It isn’t easy. But it is one of the tests.
The Tests a Person Chooses
Many of life’s tests arrive without warning. Allah sends a struggle, and a person has to persevere through it and, hopefully, come out stronger on the other side. But there is another kind of test, where a person does have a choice: the tests of worship.
Will I pray? Will I fast and feel the hunger of Ramadan? Will I endure the exhaustion of Hajj? Every act of faith requires patience and perseverance.
إِنَّا خَلَقْنَا الْإِنسَانَ مِن نُّطْفَةٍ أَمْشَاجٍ نَّبْتَلِيهِ فَجَعَلْنَاهُ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرًا إِنَّا هَدَيْنَاهُ السَّبِيلَ إِمَّا شَاكِرًا وَإِمَّا كَفُورًا
“Indeed, We created humans from a drop of mixed fluids in order to test them, so We made them hearing and seeing. We already showed them the Way, whether they choose to be grateful or ungrateful.” [Quran, 76:2-3]
إِنَّا جَعَلْنَا مَا عَلَى الْأَرْضِ زِينَةً لَّهَا لِنَبْلُوَهُمْ أَيُّهُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا
“We have indeed made whatever is on earth as an adornment for it, in order to test which of them is best in deeds.” [Quran, 18:7]
Will a person get distracted by the lights, the luxuries, and the many temptations of this life, or strive to be among the best in deeds? That takes patience and resilience: the ability to please Allah in times of ease and hardship, and the ability to stand firm and obey Him even when His command runs against personal desire.
For many Muslims, these tests look very ordinary. A child prays at an amusement park beside a parent, wondering the whole time who is watching. An employee finds a way to skip the work social because alcohol will be there.
A diner passes on the menu item whose halal status is still debated. Someone stays away from the wedding of a person they love because of what will happen there.
That last one is the hardest. When the people living differently are the people a person loves most, it stops being a simple line between Muslims and everyone else.
The differences show up within families and within friend groups, and that makes the loneliness even deeper.
“Indeed, I Am of the Muslims”
What can make this journey easier? Allah says:
وَمَنْ أَحْسَنُ قَوْلًا مِّمَّن دَعَا إِلَى اللَّهِ وَعَمِلَ صَالِحًا وَقَالَ إِنَّنِي مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِينَ
“And who is better in speech than one who invites to Allah, engages in righteous behavior, and says, ‘Indeed, I am of the Muslims.'” [Quran, 41:33]
This verse draws a strong connection between proclaiming a Muslim identity and living it out through worship and good deeds. A person’s actions, thoughts, and emotions are all interconnected, and all of them shape who that person becomes.
In psychology, identity is described as the way a person brings together their drives, abilities, personality traits, beliefs, and history into one consistent image of themselves. A stable identity requires deliberate choices, especially about values.
So many parts of a person’s identity change over a lifetime. Someone will always be a son or daughter to their parents, but they may also become a husband or wife, a mother or father, a student, and then an engineer or a doctor. Each of these roles can shift and look different at different stages of life.
Having one foundational identity that doesn’t change is very powerful, both for an adult’s development and for a child’s: I am a Muslim. This is who I am at my core. It gives stability and continuity through every other change.
It also makes possible something called self-integrity: acting in ways that align with one’s values and with who one believes oneself to be. Picture a flight where an announcement comes over the speaker: “Is there a doctor on board? Someone needs help.” The doctor gets up. Helping is part of who they are, and in that moment, it is their role.
Calling oneself a good student isn’t about self-praise. It is about wanting to deserve that description by choosing the actions that lead there. Being an ʿabd, a servant of Allah, is a privilege, and owning that identity means choosing the actions that lead toward truly living it. Saying “Indeed, I am of the Muslims” works as an affirmation. It renews the intention, today, to act in a way that aligns with the person one is striving to be.
Ibrahim عليه السلام shows what this looks like:
إِذْ قَالَ لَهُ رَبُّهُ أَسْلِمْ ۖ قَالَ أَسْلَمْتُ لِرَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ وَوَصَّىٰ بِهَا إِبْرَاهِيمُ بَنِيهِ وَيَعْقُوبُ يَا بَنِيَّ إِنَّ اللَّهَ اصْطَفَىٰ لَكُمُ الدِّينَ فَلَا تَمُوتُنَّ إِلَّا وَأَنتُم مُّسْلِمُونَ
“When his Lord ordered him, ‘Submit,’ he responded, ‘I submit to the Lord of all worlds.’ This was the advice of Ibrahim, as well as Yaqub, to his children, saying, ‘Indeed, Allah has chosen for you this faith; so do not die except in a state of full submission.'” [Quran, 2:131-132]
He submitted right away. At the core of a Muslim’s identity is submission: the knowledge that whatever Allah prescribes, even when it isn’t easy, is where a person is meant to be and what is good for them, because Allah knows best. Surrendering completely to Allah and obeying Him is how a strong Islamic identity is built.
Asiya عليها السلام: Conviction in the House of a Tyrant
What is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do for your faith? For some, it was putting on hijab. For others, it was starting to pray, or fasting. Have you ever faced criticism for trying to get closer to Allah? Have you had to give things up to practice Islam, even when it meant going against family, friends, or a spouse? And have you ever met someone who clearly knew who they were and never let anyone shake that, no matter how much criticism came their way?
People like that are admired for the strength of their character. And there may be no greater example of a solid Islamic identity than Asiya عليها السلام.
The Prophet ﷺ said, “Many men reached perfection, but none among the women reached perfection except Maryam, the daughter of ʿImran, and Asiya, the wife of Pharaoh” (narrated by Abu Musa al-Ashʿari رضي الله عنه, Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim).
Asiya lived in ancient Egypt under one of the most oppressive rulers in history, and she wasn’t simply one of his subjects. She was his wife. She had wealth and status, and she came to believe in the one true God while married to a man who claimed to be god himself. She lived through the slaughter of the baby boys of Bani Isra’il, carried out on her husband’s orders.
Then one day, in the middle of all that, a gift floated by: a baby in the water near the palace.
She turned to her husband and said:
وَقَالَتِ امْرَأَتُ فِرْعَوْنَ قُرَّتُ عَيْنٍ لِّي وَلَكَ ۖ لَا تَقْتُلُوهُ عَسَىٰ أَن يَنفَعَنَا أَوْ نَتَّخِذَهُ وَلَدًا وَهُمْ لَا يَشْعُرُونَ
“And the wife of Pharaoh said, ‘[He will be] a comfort of the eye for me and for you. Do not kill him; perhaps he may benefit us, or we may adopt him as a son.’ And they perceived not.” [Quran, 28:9]
She raised Musa عليه السلام in her home, and she came to believe in the message of the one God with her whole heart. She could feel it deep in her soul that this was the truth.
One of the most powerful lessons from her life is this: the people a person is surrounded by do not determine who that person is. Married to perhaps the worst man in history, she became one of the best women in history, and believers still speak of her strength thousands of years later. She did not let her circumstances define her.
At the same time, if she had been able to, she would almost certainly have surrounded herself with people who believed as she did. Community is powerful. It builds resilience, protection, support, and goodness. Asiya didn’t have that privilege. Many believers today do.
A Look at the People Closest to You
Here is a simple exercise.
- Take a piece of paper, fold it in half, and think of the two friends you spend the most time with. Write their names at the top of the two columns.
- Under each name, write four good qualities that person has and three not-so-great ones, the things they struggle with.
- Look at both lists. Circle every quality, good or not so good, that you also see in yourself.
Most people end up circling quite a few. Human beings become a product of the people they spend time with; that is simply how the brain works. The more time invested in something, the more it shapes how a person thinks and acts, and watching others leads to copying them. Research has found that college students whose friends study more tend to earn higher grades, even when that friend is an assigned roommate rather than someone they chose. Coworkers, too, leave their mark, even though no one picks them.
The Prophet ﷺ said, “The believer is a mirror to his brother” (narrated by Abu Hurayrah رضي الله عنه, Sunan Abi Dawud).
So think about the person you spend the most time with. Do you want to be just like them? Because they are your mirror.
He ﷺ also compared a good companion to a perfume seller and a bad companion to a blacksmith. From the perfume seller, a person will either be given some perfume, buy some, or at least leave smelling something pleasant. From the blacksmith, they will either get their clothes burned or walk away with an unpleasant smell (narrated by Abu Musa al-Ashʿari رضي الله عنه, Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim).
Friends leave their scent behind, good or bad, small or huge.
Sometimes mere presence is enough. Studies have found that teenage boys drive more riskily when another teen is in the car, whether that passenger is urging them on or saying nothing at all.
And the influence runs both ways. The question is also: am I the perfume seller or the blacksmith? The goal is to leave people with something good to take with them, like a free perfume sample.
The Hairdresser Who Said “Bismillah”
After embracing faith in Allah, Asiya had to keep it hidden for a while. She knew what would happen if her husband found out. But as she watched in horror the punishments and public executions he carried out against anyone who refused to worship him, her faith only grew stronger. His violence and threats did not turn her away from Allah. They did the opposite.
It is reported that someone else in that household also had a great impact: the woman who combed the hair of Pharaoh’s daughter. One day the comb slipped from her hand, and as it dropped, she said, “Bismillah.”
Pause on that for a moment. When most people drop something, bump into something, or roll a tire onto the curb, what comes out? “Oops,” if they’re lucky. Some people have far more colorful language. This woman had trained her tongue so thoroughly that Bismillah came out on its own, in front of someone who posed a real threat to her. If she could do that, what is anyone’s excuse for not having the remembrance of Allah so constantly on their tongue that it comes out automatically?
Pharaoh’s daughter asked, “Do you mean my father?” The woman answered, “No. My Lord and the Lord of your father is Allah.” The daughter threatened to tell him, and she did. Pharaoh summoned the woman and asked, “Do you have a Lord other than me?” She answered, “Yes. My Lord and your Lord is Allah.”
Pharaoh had a pit dug and copper melted into it, and he ordered that she and her children be thrown in. One by one, in front of her, her children were thrown in, until only her nursing infant remained in her arms. She hesitated. Then Allah sent a miracle: her baby spoke. “O Mother, go ahead, for the punishment of this world is easier than the punishment of the hereafter.” With hope and trust in Allah, she went forward.
The Prophet ﷺ said that on the night of his Night Journey, he smelled a beautiful fragrance and asked Jibril عليه السلام what it was. Jibril told him it was the fragrance of the hairdresser of Pharaoh’s daughter and her children (narrated by Ibn ʿAbbas رضي الله عنهما, Musnad Ahmad).
“Build for Me a House With You”
According to reports, Asiya witnessed all of this and finally decided she would no longer stay silent about the injustice. She revealed her belief to Pharaoh.
Worshiping Allah is a person’s purpose, and that still doesn’t make it easy. This was terrifying for Asiya. Standing for the truth won’t always be easy in the moment. So how does a believer handle the discomfort of holding different values from the people around them, especially as a minority?
وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَن يَشْرِي نَفْسَهُ ابْتِغَاءَ مَرْضَاتِ اللَّهِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ رَءُوفٌ بِالْعِبَادِ يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا ادْخُلُوا فِي السِّلْمِ كَافَّةً وَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا خُطُوَاتِ الشَّيْطَانِ ۚ إِنَّهُ لَكُمْ عَدُوٌّ مُّبِينٌ
“And there are those who would dedicate their lives to Allah’s pleasure. And Allah is Ever Gracious to His servants. O believers, enter into Islam wholeheartedly and do not follow Satan’s footsteps. Surely he is your sworn enemy.” [Quran, 2:207-208]
A person who dedicates their life to Allah’s pleasure is choosing Allah, and in the same choice, they are choosing themselves. Worship lets a person put their purpose first, and stay true to who they really are. It is not a favor to Allah. It is a favor to oneself, even when it doesn’t feel that way. Asiya was very likely afraid when she went to confront her husband. Feelings come and go. The reward of Allah is permanent.
It is reported that once Asiya confronted Pharaoh, he began torturing her to force her to renounce her faith. His servants dragged her into the desert and tormented her in front of his daughters, who laughed at her. She had no supporter, no food or water, and no shelter from the sun. His cruelty knew no bounds, and he had plenty of practice. Yet no matter how they tried to hurt, demean, and degrade her, Asiya refused to give up her faith. While her own husband tortured her, she turned to Allah:
رَبِّ ابْنِ لِي عِندَكَ بَيْتًا فِي الْجَنَّةِ وَنَجِّنِي مِن فِرْعَوْنَ وَعَمَلِهِ وَنَجِّنِي مِنَ الْقَوْمِ الظَّالِمِينَ
“My Lord, build for me near You a house in Paradise, and save me from Pharaoh and his deeds, and save me from the wrongdoing people.” [Quran, 66:11]
Allah answered her. In place of the companionship of the worst man on earth, He gave her nearness to Him and a home in Jannah. According to the reports, she looked up after making this dua and saw her house in Paradise, and angels were sent to shade her, and she laughed. Pharaoh was so furious that all his torture had failed to break her that he ordered a huge boulder pushed down onto her from a mountaintop. But Allah took her soul before it reached her, sparing her that torment.
Asiya owned her faith, her heart, and her mind. Her identity as a worshiper of Allah was so solid that it stayed unshakable even in those circumstances, and she was willing to sacrifice whatever it took. Which raises a simple question: what small sacrifice am I hesitating to make?
Faith like hers still exists today. Many people who embrace Islam face fierce opposition from their own families, sometimes intensifying when they begin to wear hijab, with backlash and even bullying from the people closest to them. And many stay firm through all of it. It is a lonely journey. Those who have families that support and encourage them when they want to get closer to Allah may not realize how powerful that gift is, because not everyone has it. May Allah bless those who embraced Islam even when their families, friends, and society turned away from them, reward them tremendously, and grant them ease on their journey.
Asiya navigated a situation where she was alone and lonely, living in the home of a man who oppressed her and opposed everything she valued. She could do it because she understood that her self-worth came from only one relationship: her relationship with Allah. That is the goal for every believer, to let self-worth rest on being a servant of Allah, rather than on people’s opinions, judgments, and perceptions.
Picturing Your Best Possible Self
One practical way to start moving toward the person you want to become, rather than staying stuck in an identity that feels unstable, is an exercise called the Best Possible Self. Picturing your best possible self opens the door to change. It helps a person learn about themselves, rearrange their priorities, and see the obstacles that might be keeping them from taking back control of their life. Research has found that writing a description of your best possible self for a short time each day, over a few days in a row, brings an immediate lift in mood and a greater sense of well-being in the weeks that follow. It can be especially helpful when feeling down on yourself.
Find a comfortable seat, relax, and close your eyes (as long as you aren’t driving).
- Imagine the future. Picture yourself after everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You’ve worked hard and accomplished your life goals. This is your full potential realized. Think of the biggest duas you have been asking Allah for, and imagine all of them answered. It may feel strange at first. Let yourself picture it anyway.
- Notice the details. Who is there with you? What is different about this future you? Is there something different in the way you carry yourself, or in the way you interact with others? What is your faith like? What does your connection with Allah look like? What are you struggling with today that is no longer a struggle for your future self?
- Trace the path. How did you get there? What did you need to do to achieve all of this?
- Notice the feelings. Stay with the image for a few moments. What do you feel as you picture yourself this way?
- Turn it into a dua. Ask Allah to pave the way for you to reach the good you imagined. Ask Him to let the changes you seek bring you closer to Him, to help you choose the actions most pleasing to Him, and to make them a source of richness in this life and the hereafter.
Never Neglected
Living by faith will sometimes mean standing apart: from the majority, from coworkers, and at times from the people a person loves most. That loneliness is real. But Hajar alone in a barren valley and Asiya alone in a tyrant’s palace both show where strength comes from. It comes from knowing, at the core, I am of the Muslims, from taking one step and then another even when nothing seems to be happening, and from resting one’s worth on a single relationship that never fails. Allah never neglects His people.
Ustadha Sarah’s course on navigating emotional struggles is available for mental health awareness month as free or ‘pay what you can’, to remove all barriers for you. You can get access to the full course here.
